AMA: "How Do I Flirt?"

crystaldellis
1 day ago
3 min read

“How do I flirt and remain suave without coming off as cheesy?”

Flirting gets a bad reputation within social dating dynamics- it’s deemed by many to be an insincere approach to get something out of a potential sexual or romantic interest. We assume it’s inherently easy to flirt with people if you’re a particular gender or have “desirable” physical features. Some folks let flirtatious emojis and texts do all the legwork, while others use their extroverted nature to get and give attention IRL. I want to focus my flirting tips around love coach, Francesca Hogi’s revised definition of flirting: “Words and actions intended to make another person feel seen, special, and acknowledged.”

Here’s how you can use words to improve your flirting skills:

Sincere compliments will never go out of style! Be specific and tell them that their outfit, hairstyle, or magnetic energy drew you to them. Compliments are not inherently flirty, but what you say or do after giving out a compliment will affirm your intentions for getting their attention.
- One tool to build up conversational confidence is to challenge yourself to give 3 people a sincere compliment at upcoming events you’re planning to attend, with no intention of holding a full conversation with them.
Ask for their name, remember it, and use it often! Sometimes it’s hard to keep a conversation going after the initial compliment or question gets a response. However, if you want to flirt, don’t let the conversation end without asking for their name and finding a way to remember it. To make it less awkward, I typically say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name earlier!” which is both honest and lets me share my name plus any additional info with them. If you just met, do NOT assign them a nickname; organically use their name throughout the conversation until it sticks.
Be curious by nature. Without looking for the “right” answer, allow them to talk about themselves by asking about their look, mutual interests, or, depending on the setting you meet them in, their personal and professional accomplishments. Watch the way someone lights up talking about the things they’re passionate about, listen to understand, and keep the momentum going.

Here’s how you can use actions to improve your flirting skills:

Practice having a confident demeanor long before flirting IRL- smiling, waving, sitting or standing next to them, direct eye contact (or something comparable if you have attention issues). Get professional support or coaching for social anxiety, which will improve more than just flirting savviness!
Prepare to give your compliment, make an introduction, and offer at least one relevant follow-up question. You may find that open-ended questions put less pressure on how the person responds. Examples may include, “What’s your relationship status?”, “Who did you come out with tonight?”, or “What do you like about this event?”
Live in the moment and limit distractions. Pull your phone out at the very end of the conversation to get their contact info. Set a calendar reminder to contact them within the next 48-72 hours with an invitation to meet or talk. Don’t waste their time flirting just to ghost them.
Get consent for any physical touch and invitations to continue the conversation. It’s helpful to move away from loud and overstimulating spaces, but get their permission to chat in a suitable area for intentional conversation.
Get comfortable with rejection, and know when flirting is not mutual! Not everyone will be charmed by your flirting attempts, but that doesn’t mean everyone you’ll ever meet thinks you’re ugly or corny. Learn from the conversation, and keep practicing until you find the right one that matches your freak.